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We have a cat. She is fat! That is that!

I really have no one to blame but myself. In 1998 my kids were only 6 and 3. I wanted to do something special for them so I agreed to take this cat off the hands of a coworker whose hussy cat had just given birth to a huge litter. I'm a sucker for Calico's so when I saw this particular puff of fur with eyes.... I knew she was the one.

(side bar)

Did you know that almost all Calico's are female.? A male Calico is a genetic anomaly. Calico is not a breed rather a distinction of many breeds. It must have three distinct colors to qualify as a Calico. The Calico is the official cat of Maryland. All useless facts, I know, but what the heck?

(end side bar)

Anyway, back to 1998! I was living near Pittsburgh at the time and worked about an hour from my home. That drive home was the longest hour of my life. That is until I moved from Pennsylvania to North Carolina and had her alone in the car with me for 9 hours! Of course it was all worth it when my kids nearly killed the kitten with hugs, kisses and constant picking up of the poor thing.

So there I was, the hero of my children for bringing this wonderful new addition into our home. I felt great about my decision to let them have a kitten.... until I dug up the nerve to direct my eyes towards my wife whose gaze I could feel burning a hole in my skull. I forgot to mention that I'd not cleared this decision with my honey prior to showing up with Cashmere (said ca) that day. While this honey wasn't so sweet, I did find myself in a sticky situation for sure!

I solved this short-term dilemma by promising to do all of the necessary "training" in the coming days. I vowed to dutifully change the litter box, make sure Cashmere was keenly aware of the location of the litter box along with feeding and the occasional grooming. I'm happy to say I performed my tasks flawlessly (for about a month). By then, Cashmere was a third child and as such, my wife very kindly took over.

Cashmere was an indoor cat. Declawed (sorry) and spayed (had to) she settled into her role as resident attention getter, finicky playmate and sleepy ne'er-do-well. And thus it was for the next few years.

We moved from Pittsburgh to Raleigh in late 2000. My trip down with Cashmere was almost the end of her. If you've ever driven 10 hours in driving snow, you know how tense that can be. Riding with a cat whose meow was stuck in high gear had about the same affect. I think my shoulders were actually above my head from the tension and constant cringing. Yet we arrived intact and both alive. I'd like to say I can now look back and laugh about it.... but just typing the past few sentences have brought on that familiar feeling in my neck.

Moving on. You know how you don't tend to notice things you are exposed to every single day that have a gradual change about them? Things like how much your children have grown. You don't realize something like that until you go to a family gathering and every relative says the exact same thing! And so it was that none of us had realized just how... er... um... "large" Cashmere had become.

She no longer made the triple jump from the floor - to the counter - to the top of the fridge - to above our cabinets. She used to scramble up there every night when we would come to put her in her room. (Don't ask.... it was my wife's doing) This lack of desire and ability to jump higher than 8 inches gave us pause (get it?), and we came to the conclusion that Cashmere had become quite rotund.

Fast-forward to today and you'll find Cashmere doing what she does best. Eating, then sleeping, then pooing. In an odd twist of fate, the responsibility for this beast has fallen back on my shoulders. Unfortunately, she has also developed some peculiar requirement for eating and drinking. For her to eat, she demands that someone watch her. Yes that's right, she won't eat unless one of us (me) watches her.

Now you might think that this would be a great way to have her trim down a bit. Stop watching her, she'll eventually eat and lose weight at the same time. That would be provocatively brilliant thinking were it not for one small detail. If you don't watch her eat, you are rewarded with constant audible onslaught of guttural sounds that would frighten the dead. So rather than ripping my ears from my head, I watch her eat. Quite a few times a day I might add.

Each time I give her another scoop of food, I snicker at the design of her cat bowl. Like most pet bowls it has two sections of equal size. One for grub, and one for water. That would work great except for the fact that Cashmere will only drink water if it is trickling out of one of the faucets downstairs. None of the ones upstairs where her food resides will do. She must drink downstairs.

I won't even go into the poo situation. Suffice it to say, Cashmere is a bit of a challenge. This has taken its toll on my general excitement about her existence. I recently found out that the average life span of an indoor cat is 21 years! 21 years!! When did this happen? I thought they were lucky to live for 10 or 12 years. Even factoring in the unhealthy lifestyle that Cashmere has embraced, I can only knock of a few years at best. So even if I'm lucky, I've got another 8 years or so of this madness.

In my household, I'm clearly the least enthused about our dear Cashmere. My daughter adores her. My son still loves her and isn't afraid to tell her as he is kissing her nose. My wife is never here so she doesn't count. Yet Cashmere appears unable to sense my animosity towards her and must be in my presence as much as possible. I have to close doors behind me if I want some privacy in the bathroom or my bedroom. She loves to rub up against me (covering me with hairs), sit in my seat and make dough on my stomach with her paws. (now do you get the pause joke?)

8 more years! I'm not sure if I can do it.

If you've made it this far.... you are either a cat lover, a cat hater or you simply have no life... like me. If you are of the cat lover variety, perhaps you'd enjoy my Cat Lover Cartoons. If not.... you've come this far, you may as well check out the job that keeps me working from home with Cashmere the FAT CAT! My world is www.kustomkartoons.com. See you there!

Rob

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